Watch These You Wh**e!

So its the end of the year and I'm not into all the self-reflecting bull-s**t stuff. I'm not into all those Top Ten lists, everyone's opinion is different, and most people's opinions are wrong anyway. I thought I would just take a moment and list the movies that were worth seeing this year, this isn't necessarily a top ten, since I didn't see a lot of those artsy-fartsy movies that everyone is always picking for their top ten.
In no particular order:

1) Hurt Locker- a great movie about the war, intense throughout, great acting by a bunch of nobodies and great cameo by Guy Pierce and Ralph Fiennes.

2) District 9- a really cool sci-fi movie with great action, a cool story, and also some social commentary about our current society.

3) The Road- exactly like the book, intense, interesting, with a lot to say about humanity. Great cameos by Robert Duvall, GUy Pierce, and Omar Little.

4) The Hangover- funniest movie in over a year. Period. Male nudity. Period.

5) Star Trek- a very well done remake. Has a lot of shout outs to the old movies, while still reinventing itself for a new generation. Interesting plot that wasn't dumbed down. The beginning of another great movie franchise.

6) Zombieland- a great escape movie about killing zombies, very humorous and entertaining. Classic.

7) The Cove- a great documentary about the slaughtering of dolphins of the coast of Japan for sport and food. Very difficult to watch but very interesting and very well done.

8) Precious- very powerful movie about the trials of a 16 year old mother from a broken home, a me vs the world type story. Powerful, not easy to watch at times.

Movies I haven't seen yet but heard are good: The Informant, The Talented Mr. Fox, 500 Days of Summer, and Inglorious Bastards.

Side note: I broke down and saw Up in the Air. I was under-whelmed with it. Clooney does a great job and the movie is entertaining for the first 90 minutes, but the last 20 minutes just derail. The ending is horrible. All the characters start to advance and change to be better people in the movie, then bam something happens and everyone ends up the same as in the beginning. The lesson the movie wants you to learn is that true love isn't real.

Another P.O.S.

I just saw this preview for a movie coming out next February:



A couple things come to mind:

• Why are they already advertising for a P.O.S. movie that comes out in February?
• Haven't they already made this same movie like 10 times with different actors?
• What ever happened to Matt Dillon? He had potential at one time didn't he?
• Doesn't Paul Walker get tired of making the same movie all the time?
• What ever happened to Hayden Christenson? He was Anakin Skywalker? He's dating this.
• Idris Elba was bad**s in The Wire, and funny in the Office. Why can't he get a real role in a movie?
• FInally, this movie "stars" Chris Brown and T.I.? Really? Who was the casting director in charge of this movie? I would make a joke about Chris Brown and T.I. being in a movie like this, but that's too easy.
  

Too Soon?

Micahel Jackson lived his last 10 years in relative obscurity. No one really talked about him outside of the annual child pornography accusation. No big deal. Then he goes and dies (pretty much tells his doctor to kill him) and now he is every where.

I guarantee you that his costume is going to be the number one Halloween costume for pieces of s**t this year. Anyone who can't think of anything original to be will just go out and be Michael Jackson. A quick Google search came up with many sites just dedicated to Michael Jackson costumes, here and here for example.

That's annoying but at least it will only last one day. Then there is that "movie," This is It that is in theaters now. I was trying to avoid it in hopes it would just disappear, but then I have been hearing multiple stories such as this one. An Oscar? Really? If that godbortion of a movie is even nominated for BEst Picture I will throw up right in my spot. The movie never would have come out if he didn't die. It's just 2 hours of footage preparing for his European Tour that never occurred. How is that even a movie, let alone in the conversation for best picture? God help us. You mean to tell me it is on par with movies like GOdfather, Shawshank Redemption, The Departed, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Casablance, Elephant Man, and other classics.

We are doomed.

This seems familiar

Last week I blogged about how similar the movie Gamer is to The Running Man from 20 years ago. Well it seems like Hollywood is at it again.

Here is a trailer for a new movie (yes it looks horrible, but that is not my point)



Hmmmm, seems familiar. Maybe because it is this same movie:


Wow! Let's look at the similarities:

• A group of kids think they accidentally kill someone (while drinking), then when trying to hide the body, they really kill them.
• They dump the body in water (or in a well)
• They agree to keep this secret the rest of their lives.
• They begin to start to be terrorized and killed one by one.
• The killer is some large man in a rain jacket with his face covered (literally looks the same in both movies).
• The killer uses some kind of hook to do the killing

Sad Hollywood this is the same movie with an updated cast of horrible actors. Fail


Editors note: I am choosing not to blog about this at this time.

Let's play a game

Let's play again here, see if you can spot the differences in the movies from the two trailers below. These movies were made 20 years apart but are basically the same thing.





Here is a synopsis of Gamer and a synopsis of The Running Man.

• Both movies are about convicted fellons fighting each other for their freedom, in theory.
• Both take place in the near future when the world has changed, the economy has collapsed, and violence and chaos reign.
• Both "games" are run by a ruler like man, Richard Dawson in Running Man and Michael C. Hall in Gamer.
• I am guaranteeing you that in Gamer it will turn out that Gerard Butler is innocent of his crime, just like in Running Man.
• Just like in Running Man, the ruler like man will do whatever it takes to make sure no one ever "wins" and gets out, even if he has to cheat.
• Gerard Butler is quickly turning into the next Schwarzenegger. (Future Governor??) He is known for making these ridiculous action movies that take no acting skills and even have very few lines (300??) and then gets praised as this great actor. He then tries his hand at a comedy (The Ugly Truth) and fails miserably. Both are from a foreign country (Butler is from Scotland)
• I am really having a hard time finding differences in these movies except one is a tv show and the other is a video game.

I know hollywood has run out of ideas, but come on.

Darwin was wrong

So, I was out driving around yesterday and drove past a theater right when the movie was getting out. This theater only has one screen and was playing G.I.Joe, so I know everyone there was seeing that movie. It was sad to see that a theater picked that as the one movie they are playing, and it was sad to see so many choosing to see that movie. I'll give you one guess on the type of people that where walking out of the theater. A hint is that the first word is white and the second word rhymed with with flash.

The real kicker was that I saw these two douche bags walk out and then high five each other. WTF? Who does that to begin with, let alone after that movie? Sad. I would rather be punched in the face for 90 minutes than see that "movie." I think if I were trapped and tied to my seat while that was playing my eyes would take one for the team and fall out of my head. Wow, they really high-fived each other coming out of the theater.

4

Movie Reviews

So it's officially summer movie time. I usually don't have much of a chance to watch movies in the beginning of summer season, but try to catch more movies once we get to June. Here is edition 1 of a multi-part series on Summer movies.


Wolverine
I liked it. It had cool action scenes, a believable storyline, and it ended in a way that X-Men 1 makes sense. Some people complained that it had nothing to do with the comic books. Truth be told, I don't care. I can't read, so I don't care what the comic books have to add to this story line. They introduce some cool characters with some cool tricks. They also have Gambit, which is one of my favoirte X-Men characters. I still don't understand how Wolverine and Sabretooth were brothers and mortal enemies in this movie and then in X-Men 1 Sabretooth never talks and Wolverine and him don't even know each other. Maybe an Origins movie that explains that Sabretooth also loses his memory. I would like a Professor X origins that show him starting X-men, that could be cool. A Magneto origins would be cool as well.

Star Trek:
Loved it. Best "fun movie" since Batman. It did a great job of introducing people to Star Trek who know nothing about it. Had cool action, a cool story, and some very funny parts. It was cool to see how all these classic characters came to exist on the Enterprise. I also like how they didn't dumb down the story line. They just told a cool story. Yes there is time travel and multiple planets and storylines, but if you can't keep up, you're an idiot. I think this might be the best movie this summer.

Previews I have seen:

With Michael Bat making these Transformers movies, I am always a little nervous. At any point he could make these into horrible movies. With that being said, the first one was awesome and this one looks cool. Hopefully there is more Megan Fox and robots fighting and less of that dorky kid trying to figure out that puzzle and get into the feelings and emotions of the robots.



This looks horrible. First it has Dennis Quaid, enough said It looks nothing like GI Joe cartoons or action figures. Its almost like they wrote an action movie and added GI Joe character names into it. Fail.


This looks like the hipster's new Citizen Kane. Enough said.


I hope this movie is funny. Michael Cera is hilarious. I fear that Jack Black will be the annoying Jack Black instead of the funny Jack Black.


This appears to have potential. I like Adam Sandler when he is funny and serious in the same movie (Spanglish or Punch Drunk Love). Hopefully this is good.

Lastly, I hear Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards is bad, but we'll see.

On Notice

I haven't updated my Dead to Me and On Notice list in a while so here we go (there will be more at weeks end)

The Screen Actor's Guild strike has made its way off the On Notice list since it has been over a year since it ended. To replace that I have nominated Hollywood Movie Ideas.

I was trying to numb my senses again tonight by turning on the television and had to sit through this extended preview for a new movie, called "Fighting." Not only is it a terrible movie, they spent about 15 seconds thinking of a title. (he let's call Shawshank Redemption "prison" Saving Private Ryan "war" and Pulp Fiction "drugs and violence.") Check it out:



Wow, that movie is basically a mix of Fight Club, Fast and the Furious, one of those shitty dancing movies, and a hip hop video. Why is Academy Award-nominee Terrence Howard in that? I love the message; if you are struggling to get by and can't find your place in this world, beat the shit out of each other in an underground fighting competition. I hope all the kids out there see this and learn this valuable lesson.

Emo Sells

I've come to the conclusion that every trailer for a new movie should contain a song from The Arcade Fire.

Here is a brand new trailer for Where the Wild Things Are.



I am actually excited about this movie. I do remember the book when growing up, it did have pictures. I think it is cool that they are taking a classic kids' movie and letting Spike Jonze get his crazy hands on it (see Adaptation or Being John Malkovich). I also think it is cool that hipster-writer Dave Eggers wrote the screenplay. What a great idea to take a 48 page children's book and let a hipster dude who wrote a 560 page book about an African refugee running for his life based on a true story.

I also thought that this trailer for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was bad-a@@, especially with the eerie Arcade Fire music.

I need a script

I know that no one in Hollywood has any new ideas and has to only create movies based on books and short stories. But now I have heard that they are making a movie based on Moneyball. Okay, it was a very interesting book, but how can you make a movie about it. There is little story to it, pretty much just facts and figures. To me it would be just like making a movie about your algebra text book. (It could be a heartbreaking story about the love triangle between multiplication, division, and derivatives. Addition could play the town drunk adding comic relief.)

Now I have also hear that Brad Pitt is going to play the lead role, Billie Beane. Pitt is a good actor, but the problem with this is that it will now get the hype "a lockbuster movie." All these lonely housewives will go see it because Pitt is in it and will expect a love story or some action. They will be sorely disappointed when it is about the numbers behind running a successful major league baseball organization.

However this clip of Radiohead on the Grammys is pretty bad a**. I think it would be cool if they actually went and toured with a marching band. It's never been done before, but is cool to hear the bands crazy sounds performed on simple instruments.

Some notes

The other day I had this commercial about something being released on January 19th. The commercial was vague and did not say anything, hence horrible marketing and a waste of money.

On January 19th they had this follow up commercial:


What? That commercial literally makes no sense. So LeBron James is going to play in the NFL (I know it is a joke) and this should be a reason that I should go buy insurance? What? I have seen this 5 times and it still makes no sense. This whole marketing campaign is a waste of money, and I am sure LeBron James is not cheap.

There were two "incidents" (here and here) this weekend at screenings of the Notorious B.I.G. movie. If you need more proof that Obama becoming President really changes nothing, see this. It is utterly sad that s**t like this still happens in a "civilized" country like America. I went a=and saw 3 different movies this weekend, and nothing stupid happened at them (except for the obvious "popcorn trick")

Finally here is a little video showing that Forrest Gump and Benjamin Button are the same movie. It's funny because they really are the same thing; in one the guy is mentally handicapped and in the other he is physically handicapped.

The Curious Case of Forrest Gump - watch more funny videos

Award Season Continued

So apparently Larry the Cable Guy has some competition for the greatest actor of our generation. Larry the Cable Guy comes out with hit after hit. Yet today Kevin James came out with a beauty: Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Written, directed, produced, and starring Kevin James. You n=know it is a hit. Watch this trailer:



Wow, does that look like a P.O.S. Anyone who sees this should really consider doing society a favor and killing yourself. After seeing that, there is no way that you could positively contribute to society. I guarantee there is at least 1 toilet scene in there. Fat guy, trying to protect a mall all night, it has to lead up to a toilet scene.

The saddest thing about all this is that somehow the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel gave it 2 1/2 stars. WTF? Once again proofing why the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel is written by uneducated idiots.

Best of..........(volume 1)

Happy New Year's Loyal Readers-

I went to a store to pick up some beer and a women was loudly on the phone and I overheard her saying. "yeah, I got everything, just need to get some ice, but I am not sure how I will keep it cold." WTF? It's 6 degrees outside woman.

With the end of the year hours away, here are a few of my Best of Lists:

Best Movies of the Year

1. Batman: Dark Knight- just a cool, fun movie that you can watch over and over again. All the characters are perfectly cast with the actors. Heath Ledger is great, but the rest of the cast is just as good.
2. Curious Case of Benjamin Button: In my opinion the best movie of the year. It probably won't win any awards with all the artsy-fartsy and foreign films that are "live-changing" that will get nominated. The movie is in the same feign as Forrest Gump, but in my opinion is better. David Fincher does a great job of directing, and somehow gets Brad Pitt to look 90 all the way down to about 18. It's a cool story, well acted, interesting plot twists, and great character development. Brad Pitt does a great job of being in every scene, but he will probably not get nominated. See this movie.
3. Tropic Thunder- the funniest movie since SuperBad. The pull no punches making fun of all people, even themselves. There is something to be said about still making potty humor jokes when you are almost 40. Robert Downey Jr. is great as well.
4. Iron Man- another great movie to just watch. It's not going to change your life, but it is entertaining. The plot is a little goofy at times, but who cares. Very fun. Again, Robert Downey jr. is great.
5. Wall-E: I know this is a kid's movie, but you really have to appreciate and respect what they did hear. It is a movie about a lonely, dark future in which a robot goes against everything it is programmed to do, and saves Earth. Somehow they pull it off with very, very little talking. I think I read somewhere that there is less than 7 minutes of talking. Very well done.
6. Hancock- I know some people didn't like this movie because it wasn't what they thought it was going to be. The only thing I would say against it is that it does try to be two different movies, pushed into 1 95 minute movie. It might have been better to be 2 90 minute movies. It is an interesting story about the origin of superheroes (actually gods on earth that we call superheroes) and what if they didn't want to be who they are. How far could they be pushed down (drinking and drugs) before they snapped?
7. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist- Not as good as Juno, but is enjoyable. A nice little story about 2 emo kids who meet and have given up on love, but use music to connect and have a fun-filled night in New York. Not going to change you world, but is entertaining.
8. 7 Pounds- Not nearly as bad as the critics and reviews say it is. Many people say they didn't like it because they "figured it out" in the first 30 minutes. Truth is that this is not a mystery movie, so it doesn't matter if you figure it out. In fact the first scene in the movie is also the last. The only against is, is that the last 20 minutes are kind of stupid how it ends. Well acted by Will Smith who is in every shot of the movie.
9. Doubt- Good and disturbing. Very well acted by Merryl Streep and Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
10. Cloverfield- I know some people didn't like it because it wasn't a true monster movie. Exactly, it's not a monster movie. It's a movie about two people who are in love and should be together but are too afraid to do anything about it, and there just happens to be a monster attacking the city.

Movies I haven't seen which are probably good:
Forgetting Sarah marshall, Gran Torino, Man on Wire, Revolutionary Road, and Slumdog Millionaire

Tomorrow: Music

What time is it

So last night I decided to go see Burn After Reading (Okay, not the Coen Brothers' best, but better than most of the crap that comes out nowadays). So the movie starts at 7:50, so I plan that I should be there by 7:40, give me time to get a ticket, get to the theater and sit down, and nowadays they start about 5 minutes early because of all the commercials that start even before the previews. So I get into my seat at 7:40, and there are 10 other people in the theater. I sit down and get comfortable (take my pants off). When the theater goes dark around 7:48 there are maybe 20 people there now. However, through the next 15 minutes (through the previews and the first 5 miutes of the movie) about 100 people end up coming into the theater. I have to stand up 6 times to let people in and now there are people in front of me, and I can't even enjoy the first 5 minutes of the movie because there are all kinds of people moving around getting to their seats.

How difficult is it in todays world to know when a movie starts and get there on time? It makes me sick how much people don't care about getting to anything on time anymore. If I owned the theater I wouldn't let anyone in the movie after the lights go down, too late. We have your money, but you don't get to see the movie, too sad.

Look ma, I'm a reporter

I've always said that the Journal Sentinel is a s**tty newspaper, that is very one-sided and dumbed down. Here is further evidence:

You may have seen trailers for that movie "Death Race." It looks god-awful, it's basically about a jail who is trying to raise money so they set up death races with the convicts by putting them in cars with machine guns and rockets and they fight to the death. Seems plausible, right?? Then our lovely newspaper went and gave it 3 stars (thats the second highest rating for a movie this summer, only under Dark Knight and tied with Iron Man). What? I went online and every other "respected" publication said it was awful and gave it 1 star (or less).

I know it's only the entertainment section of the paper, but it is just further evidence to show you that they have monkeys on keyboards down at the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

Where's the laughs?

To end the ages all debate: "What is funnier the Vietnam War or Stoners?" The winner is The Vietnam War.

I went on saw Pineapple Express last night, and I believe it was a huge letdown, especially after seeing Tropic Thunder (before it came out). Pineapple Express is only funnier for about 20 minutes, and it is only the scenes when the three guys (Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Danny McBride) are together. In between those scenes there are non-sense scenes trying to build some subplot in which there is a gang warfare over drug territory in the land and something about crooked cops. The movie even ends with a 15 minute fight sequence in which James Franco and Seth Rogen stop a huge drug cartel that has been running since WWI without any guns or anything.

I think there was potential with just the 3 guys running around making jokes about each other being gay and buying best friend necklaces, but then it slows down with weird plot twists. In the movie Seth Rogen's character has a girlfriend who is in high school (I can relate) which is funny when he visits her in school and sees all these jocks all over her, but then they never return to that at all.

Overall, save your money and go see Tropic Thunder twice.

You said what?

There has been a lot of uproar this week with the official premier of Tropic Thunder on Wednesday. As I poster earlier, I have seen it and it is hilarious. But now many groups representing disabled individuals and the Special Olympics are asking people to protest the movie because of its stereotypes towards groups they represent.

The movie is distributed by Dream Works and I think they are actually approaching this correctly. They met with these groups before the release and reiterated that this movie is a satire and in no way is supposed to be viewed as real-life or trying to send any message to the viewers. Can't anyone ever have any kind of sense of humor any more? This movie also makes fun of Australians, fat people, actors, African-Americans, Vietnam Vets, drug addicts, and gay people. Take it easy people.

The thing I don't get is why even get so upset over something like this. If something offends you, just don't go see it. As you all know icebergs offend me so I did not go see Titanic. I didn't protest and ask others to avoid the movie as well, I just avoided it myself and allowed others to see it themselves. Growing up all my friends were offended by 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey,' and that is why none of my friends ever came to any of my birthday parties growing up. I never held it against them, I just had my parties all by myself, no big deal.

Live Blog

I received some passes to a screening of the movie Tropic Thunder last night and was going to film it on my cell phone and live blog the movie, but unfortunetly they had actually security guards walking around. BEfore the movie started they came up and talked about the radio station that sponsored the evening then said that recording the movie is illegal, the polic will be called, jail time will be given, the whole nine, and then they said there was security their "with night vision."

The movie was actually quite funny. The movie started with fake trailers from all the actors previous work. For example Ben Stiller in Scorcher VI: "After saving the Earth from the end 5 times, does he have it in him to do it again?" Jack Black in The Farties: Fart 2; was basically Jack Black playing 6 roles (ala Eddie Murphy) and just sitting around the table farting for 30 seconds. Then Robert Downey Jr. (still white) as 6 time academy award winner and 3 time crying monkey award winner in a movie with "MTV Best Kiss Winner Tobey Maguire" about 2 Irish priests who must decide between true love and God's love."

Then it gets into the actual movie and the next 20 minutes are absolutely hilarious. It makes fun of all actors as being over the top and pretentious. Jack Blacks character is hooked on all kinds of drugs, Ben Stiller's character is a terrible actor who is spoiled by his agent and always gets his way, and Robert Downey Jr. is a character who never breaks character, and eventually is not even able to break character "until the DVD is out." There is even a surprise actor who is usually a duche bag who is a good portion of the movie (none of the trailers) and is hilarious.

Once the actors get dropped "in the shit" to make the movie, it takes a small step down, but is still absolutely hilarious. In this scene Robert Downer Jr. is talking to Ben Stiller about how to be a true character actor and why Ben Stiller did not win any awards for playing a retarded stable boy in Simple Jack:


There is even a dead hooker joked worked into the movie. Overall I suggest this movie to anyone who likes laughter. I can say with confidence that it is the funniest movie since lasts years Superbad and makes Step Brothers look like Bambi.

Reason to live

Clicking around on the Internets I ran into this trailer for a movie that is coming out in 2009. It is by the same people who did 300 and is based of a hugly popular graphic novel. I have heard the comic, which became the first graphic novel is amazing and I hope they do with the movie, because this could be swicked.



"The world will look up and shout: "Save us." I'll whisper "No."
This movie gives me reason to live until next March.

Premiere Night (UPDATE)

It's premiere night here at the Chopper household. Myself and a few of my minions are going to see Dark Knight this evening. I am going to bring my laptop along and live blog the movie for all of you in the blog-o-sphere who are unable to go. The movie was not marketed very much so you do not probably know much about it, but it is going to be good.

UPDATE: It turns out that they would not allow me to bring in my laptop to live blog the movie. Even after yelling "Do you know who I am?" multiple times, they still would not allow me in with the laptop. Oh well, I was still able to record the movie from 12 perfectly placed cameras and got the bootleg DVD out on the streets my 11 PM.

Needless to say the movie is awesome, better than Batman Begins. Health Ledger is unbelievable as Joker, and everyone is quite good in their roles. Christian Bale is once a gain great as an internally torn Bruce Wayne, Gary Oldman is a great Commissioner Gordon, and Aaron Eckhart is great as a torn and fearless Harvey Dent. Dent is trying for the same justice Batman is but is not able to hide behind a mask.

No review can do it justice, just go see it you cheap bastard.
Here are two deleted scenes.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

See more Aziz videos at Funny or Die