Profiling

So I stopped at Pick n Save on the way home to get some beer
(obviousl). I go to check out and te cashier lady asks me about the
Brewers (godbortion). How did she assume I was a fan? Then the guy
behind me in line goes up (he's black) and she asks him about the NBA
playoffs. WTF? Is that racist? I'm not sure.

In "things that piss me off" news: ATMs that project your balance on
the screen for 2 minutes after you are down. I go to a bar this
evening (obviously) and go to the ATM. It asks if I want a receipt.
No. Then when I am down it projects all my information including
account number and balance on the screen for 2 minutes. In a crowded
bar. I find that there are ATMs like this everywhere. Why? If I wanted
my balance I would have asked for a receipt. If I wanted everyone in
the place to know my information I would grab a megaphone. It makes no
fucking sense.

Back with videos

It's been almost a month, sorry about that to start up my revival here are some sweet videos of Hold Steady.








This has the best intro of a band ever.

From Colbert on Friday:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Hold Steady
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Hold Steady - Hurricane J
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

These guys just f**king rock. Summerfest July 1. Be there. (note: EdGrimley may yell at high school students at the concert)

There are heroes, and then there are HEROES, and then there are f**king HEROES

Dwight David Honeycutt is a hero, check out this real video:




Still don't think he's a hero, read this. My god, there are so many great one-liners in this, you could start your own t-shirt line.

There are heroes, and then there are HEROES

Kiefer Sutherland is my hero. He plays all American bada** Jack Bauer on 24 and when he is not working he plays Kiefer Sutherland, American drunk. He has been quoted as saying "I work hard, I play hard." And play hard he does. Recently there was this story about him being tossed from a bar on a Wednesday night. You don't really need to read any other stories about him getting drunk, all you need is to look at the following picture:

Classy. In case you need more here is another one, here, and here.

Thank you Jack Bauer for saving this country numerous times and thank you Kiefer Sutherland for making it okay to be a grown-a** man and getting ridiculously drunk, sit at a table with no pants on, and get tossed out of the bar. We salute you.

Enlightened

So I went over to a friends house today to just kick it for awhile and watch The Masters (which I normally never watch). Mickelson was trying to hit a put and right when he hit the ball a leave thing fell between his ball and the hole. (that's not a euphemism) The ball hit the leave and didn't go in the hole. The announcer said it was "synchrodestiny." What? Is that a word.

A quick google search opens a whole world of what it is.

"SynchroDestiny is coincidence but it contains a purpose. It contains a meaning. It has a direction. It has intention. And where do those qualities come from? They come from you."

There are some other interesting sites with an explanation. One of them even had a great quote: "it's time you stop playing hide and seek with your destiny." Did that just blow your mind?

Roller Coaster of emotions

So on Friday night I went out and consumed some beverages with two mortal enemies and afterwards stopped at my local watering hole. When I walked in I was slapped by a grown man (who actually looks like this actor) within 30 seconds because I didn't recognize his wife. This guy used to live in the neighborhood and was the King of this place, but he moved away about 3 years ago and now makes one appearance a year. I don't know if I have ever met his wife with her clothes on before.

On a positive side I have been listening to a series of Ricky Gervais podcasts. It's Ricky, his comedian buddy Stephen Merchant and introducing the straight guy in all their jokes, Carl Pikington. Ricky and Stephen just ask these bizarre questions like what will the future be like or who should be able to adopt. Carl's answers are bizarre, and then Ricky and Stephen just make fun of him, and he doesn't realize it. It's hilarious. Ricky Gervais is an on-the-spot hilarious comedian and has a great laugh.


Hilarious, their jobs are rapists and getting rid of the bodies, and they are trying to raise their child homosexual because there is too much pressure to be heterosexual.





HBO has turned these Podcasts, and others by the trio into a new animated show "The Ricky Gervais show."

Wear the sticker...........

So on Thursday at work we were asked to wear a sticker to support the efforts of the Union and our contract negotiations. The sticker read:

Great Teachers
+
Fair Funding
=
Student Success

While I can't argue with the logic of the formula, I can argue with the logic of the effectiveness of wearing a sticker at school. The only people who are going to see it in school are the students, and I don't think they have much control over the funding in the district. I got the sticker and didn't wear it and explained the above logic to a teacher who told me, "that's the point. We are showing the students that we are trying to increase their success but are unable to because of the lack of fair funding." Really, do you think the students are picking up on that? I went the whole day without wearing the sticker.

Fly-By Advertising

So on Thursday I came out of work and noticed that every car in the faculty parking lot had a business card under the wiper. I first assumed that it was for one of the get rich quick scheme type things. I read it and it was for a Religious group that had a website called Needencouragement.com

The card had a phone number to call (414-541-HELP) to call for a pre-recorded message of encouragement and to receive a free Bible. On the back were about a dozen other websites to go to if you feel lost or confused with life and need "help." Most of them have some reference to Christ or Billy Graham.

Are these types of things effective? Do people really take a business card from under the wiper and go the website or call the number and their life is changed? Two weeks I went to Office Max and a guy was walking around the parking lot putting one of the get rich quick schemes on a post-it note on all the cars. I sat in my car to see if he would still put it on my car with me in it, and sure as s**t he still did. Really, this is your job to put out probably close to 100,000 of these for every one person who calls you and falls for your scheme. Your parents must be so proud.

I needed a laugh

Thank you Pittsburgh for this story..........



That's just funny. That guy who lived there is hilarious. Leopard sheets, his accent, his attempt at the joke at the end. Too funny.

Quick college story involving 2 of my avid readers. One night we all decided to take a break from studying at the library and instead stay home and consume alcohol. Not really used to the effects of alcohol, some of us let things get away from us. Two of the guys ended up being done and passed out in their beds in their room. Three of us stayed up to continue to consume alcohol. Then at one point one of us had the idea to go into person A's room and carry them into person's B room. So we did that and threw person A on the floor of person B's room. A few minutes later we decided "wouldn't it be funny if we went in there and put person A in person B's bed. So we went in the room and noticed person A had went into the bed himself, assuming he was in his own room. Hilarity ensued and a few comments by the two "no, no, don't" Eventually person B figured it out, got up, and went into his room. A few dozen pictures later, we all had some good stories and blackmail material.

Oh, college................

The living dead.................

So I know the NBA is dead to me, but it might be getting close to moving to the "On Notice" list. The Milwaukee Bucks are playing extremely well. Over the weekend the played the Denver Nuggets and won. (I think Denver might be in 2nd in the West, I tried looking up the standings but the screen was blank because the NBA is dead to me.) Then last night they beat a very good Atlanta Hawks team (in 3rd I believe). I think they are 13-2 since the all star break, which is the best record in the NBA during that time.

The thing about it is that they have a balance team, they play basketball the way it should be played (like the Spurs of a few years ago). Play defense, pass the ball, have some energy, a few foreign players, shoot well, rebound. Hopefully this catches on and instead of teams overpaying Lebron or D'Wade, teams build a balanced squad and play basketball.

The only catch is that this will probably be a one hit wonder team. They have very little money left and probably won't be able to sign Salmons after the season. He is their leading scored and has been the difference in most of their wins. They have to trick another team into trading for Michael Redd. Redd can still shoot and score when he is healthy, hopefully some team that loses out on Lebron or D'Wade panics and is willing to trade for Redd. I am sure the Bucks will be willing to trade for a grilled cheese sandwich at this point. The Bucks also need to keep all the foreign players they have that are doing so well. It's nice to know that they have Jennings for a few years and Bogut just resigned, they can be the rock of the team for awhile.

Early St. Patrick's rants.................

I'm not going to rehash any of my past rants about St. Patrick's Day, but my god people. The Irish are bad, but that's a post of its own. This post is about the people who wish they were Irish (or are Irish by marriage not blood).

This past Saturday I got an early morning wake up call from McBob's asking if I could come in and help out for a bit for the parade that. Sure, why not...............

• The number of people who specifically ask for "a green beer" please. Really all you care is about the color? What if I put food coloring in piss, will you drink it? The bar had a keg of green Miller Lite for the idiots, but some people wanted Budweiser in green. The bar was then putting green food coloring in pitchers of Bud for those who wanted it. (Note- I refused every time that someone asked me to do this, come on people.) The food coloring made it almost black, not green.
• A woman (wearing green with an "Irish" crown thing on) came up to order shots. I asked her "what do you need" She replied "It's not going to be easy." Jokingly I said "Tullamore or Jameson, it should be pretty easy." She then proceeded to tell me how to make a shot which was a shot of tequila with a splash of grenadine and a splash of sprite. Awful any day, especially on St. Patrick's Day. You call yourself Irish?
• The bar also provided a complimentary potato bar (obviously) for the customers. I couldn't throw a dead cat in the place without some asking "is there any other complimentary food, or is this it?" Yes this it, and you are lucky to have that. We're talking about heated up potatoes and the fixins. This is the good life.
• I also received a few phone calls and requests for a reservation on Wednesday for St. Patrick's Day. A reservation? This is a bar people. This is their Christmas. Come on.
• For some reason the bar left the jukebox on instead of just playing Irish music and the s**t people were playing on this day. Alicia Keys, Kings of Leon, some death-metal, Stevie Wonder, Prince, Weezer. Come on people.

I can only wait for actually Wednesday. I tell you now. I am going to hide away and try to interact with as few Irish people as possible.

Long time reader, first time contributor

One of my many, many avid readers sent me a few links of notice yesterday so I am borrowing from rival blogger EdGrimley, here ya go.

A hipster pizza? Strong men can cry and have a slice too.

Proud to be an American, and live on a red dot.

People watch hockey? Still interesting.

Plans this weekend? Change them. Do this. (note this is my own contribution and not from a reader)



Their website is very very real.

Laughs

So today right after school I heard a bunch of commotion in the hall and stepped out of my room to see a circle of about 40 students with 2 kids in the middle fighting. Since all of security was outside getting students on buses, it took about 5minutes for them to get up to the 3rd floor. A police officer came up and busted through the wall of students, slammed one kid to the ground and then tossed the other kid about 10 feet with one hand, and then put both in cuffs. Good times.

I need a laugh, Internets save me..............



Funny originally, really cool done live with the Roots. The Roots should do an entire live show with Andy Sanberg and Lonely Island.0


Funny clip from Jimmy Kimmel (that's 2 in a week); long but worth it. (That's what I told your wife too).

A good collection of It's ALways Sunny animated gifs.

Comedy Clips

Community is a show on Thursday nights. In the lineup of Parks & Recreation, The Office, and 30 Rock, it may be the weak link, but still is funny. The funniest part of the show is the ending after the credits. It usually has nothing to do with the episode and usually features the 2 funniest characters on the show, Abed and Troy. Take a look:



















The show itself is not as funny as these 30 second clips, primarily because these two are the funniest characters but they are not in the show as often as Joel McHale's character who is kind of a douche bag with a heart.

Boob Tube

So a few co-workers went out for a drink after a later meeting the other night and occassionaly they talked about something other than work. I was trying to convince everyone that if they are not watching Mad Men, they obviously have no self respect. My arguments were that the season is only 13 episodes long, it starts in the summer when teachers ain't doing s**t, its the best written show on tv, Don Draper is the man, it's historically accurate, hot women, and many other reasons. One lady was animate about it saying she already had so many shows she had to watch, she didn't have room for any more. WTF? What could you possibly be watching?

This got me to thinking about the the shows you must watch of the last 10 years. These are not necessarily the "best" (even though many are), these are just shows that have changed the landscape of television, or maybe America in general; these are the shows you need to watch. In no particular order:

• Arrested Development- too funny for the dumbed-down American public. It has gained a larger following now that it is off the air and people are now demanding "smarter" comedies on television. Maybe we can be saved? (I doubt it)
• The Wire- do I need to say anything? Riveting, change the way that many people view inner-city America. Hasn't changed the problems facing inner-cities, but has made these problems watchable from the comfort of your white picket fence homes in the suburbs.
• Sopranos- made it okay to have a lot of swearing and nudity in a show and still win awards if you had riveting characters, great plot lines, and great dialogue. Without this show there would be no other shows on HBO like The Wire, Deadwood, Rome, Six Feet Under, etc.
• Lost- I know many people got frustrated with this show, but I think after this season ends the 6 seasons it has will stand alone as a great story. This show also made it okay to be a super nerd about a show and follow it online, play role-playing games online, read books about it, start online chats, and live twitter feeds during an episode. The show lost a lot in ratings throughout the years but the fan base was so die hard and strong, I think ABC would have kept in on forever if possible.
• It's Always Sunny- made it okay to have people in their 30s act like idiots and have episodes be about nothing except the characters acting like a**-holes and always ending up in the same place they started while never learning anything.
• 24- Jack Bauer is a bad-ass. Most of the seasons made no sense and had no real dialogue, but just watching Jack Bauer be a bad ass was enough.
• House- a medical drama, but not a medical drama. The show was really about the dialogue. You could pay no attention to the medical case they were working on, and it would still be a great show. Hugh Laurie is great as a grizzled doctor who pretends he hates everyone, but underneath really needs people. After 6 seasons, it is still going strong.
• The Office- saved network sitcoms about 3 years ago when it was a graveyard out there. Without this show we would not have Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, and Modern Family (the 3 funniest sitcoms currently on)
• Damages- if you haven't watched this, rent season 1. It makes Law and Order look like Sesame Street. The plot lines are so tangled, the characters are riveting, and it has this sexy appeal to it that is off the hook.
• Mad Men- (read first paragraph).

I strongly believe 30 years from and people will look at 2000-2010 and 3 shows will stand out: Sopranos, The Wire, and Mad Men.

here and here are two other, less-educated, opinions are best tv shows of the last 10 years.

Thanks but no thanks

I don't know how many of loyal readers have ever scene that show
"Undercover Boss." I turned on the last 10 minutes last night, and
what a crock of s**t. The episode was about White Castle which is the
worst fast food imagineable. The end of the episode has the CEO
bringing in all the people he worked with when he was undercover. He
them explains that he is the CEO undercover and talks about what he
likes or doesn't like about what he saw. This one, he liked everything
he saw. He brought in this young Hispanic kid who is 18 and wants to
go to culinary school when he graduates. This CEO was so moved by how
hard he worked and how passionate this kid is about cullinary that he
gave him a $5000 scholarship. $5000, WTF? The average semester for a
community college is more than that. Do thy really think they are
helping this kid by giving hima $5000 scholarship. White Castle got so
much free publicity from this show and all they can give to their
average employee is $5000. F**k off. The other guy they talked to has
a blind son and thy started a $5000 trust for him when he grows up.
Eat a d**k.

Also I am sitting at Chipotle and this young couple next to me ate
eating a bowl, or a burrito with no shell. Both said they have never
had a burrito anywhere in their life. WTF? They said they don't like
eating food with their hands. Psycho.

Comedy cures all

Quote me on this Ricky Gervais is funny. I always knew this, hopefully you did too. The Office, check. Extras, check. This interview on Daily Show, check.

Ricky Gervais

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Vancouverage 2010

I have since downloaded a bunch of his podcasts (all free), that shit is bananas. Wish I had HBO for his new show.

Bonus comedy day:

Another reason to hate the British

So on Monday nights a few of my nerdy friends and myself go to an area bar and play a trivia game (break into groups and a guy asks a series of questions in categories such as Geography, Movies, History, etc). There are usually around 15-18 teams there. We consistently finsih around 4th place. Once tied for second and have never finished below 6th. Not too bad. The guy who hosts the events is British and a couple douche bag. He thinks he is the greatest thing ever and his questions are horrible and every so often he has the wrong answer. Here are some examples:

• Once asked "What is the most common language the Guiness Book of Records is printed in?" We put Mandarin. He said the answer was Chinese. Myself and a team went up to him after and explained that Chinese isn't a language, its a culture. It would be like saying American is a language or Mexican is a language. We lost the argument.
• He once asked what is the one country with 'ee' in it. We said Greenland and Greece. He said that it was only Greece and Greenland isn't a country but is a province of Denmark. However a search on the Encyclopedia Brittanica says that it is a province of Denmark but is also considered a country.
• He once asked, "what is the largest city east of the Mississippi River without an NFL team affiliated with it. We asked "does it count if they play in the city, or just if they are affiliated with it?" He said, it is just affiliated with it, and The Patriots count for Boston." We put Newark, New Jersey. He said the answer was Richmond, Virginia. Long story short Newark has more people in the city and the county or Richmond, so I don't know where he got his facts. We argued it and he said that Newark is conisidered part of New York. WTF? He didn't argue that the Jets were technically considered from Newark, he argued that the city of Newark was technically the city of New York.
• Also, the game is advertised to start at 8, but has never started before 8:20. He takes 20 minutes to set up his I-book to play music does about 5 minutes of "testing, testing" on the microphone and then talks to some of the tools there that worship him.
  

Basically he is an idiot.
Each week first and second place get a $25 and $10 bar tab. A few weeks back he started a bar tab for best team name. We then decided to be creative with our names to try to win and then we switched strategies and just made fun of him with our names. Take a look:

• "What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?" (got a lot of confused looks)
  
• "You don't fuck a sandwich before you eat it?" (lots of laughs and groans and then hisses)
• "My wife isn't the only one getting 3 inches tonight." (this was the night before we were predicted to get 3 inches of snow, and was also a burn on him having a tiny dick.)
• "Just to clarify from last week, I have a tiny dick." (also funny because he stands up there and reads them)
• "I thought I signed up for the 8 o'clock league" (funny because he never starts on time)
• "Need better trivia questions, there's an app for that." (funny because he sucks at writing questions and he has an i-phone that he uses every week)
  

You don't know jack.......

Think you know geography and sports? Try this game at ESPN. I tried it once and got 45,000 points, gonna try again here in a second.

I couldn't wait

Some of you may watch Tosh.O (if you don't, you are missing out). Last night he played a preview of the Web Redemption he was going to air next week. I went and watched the original video, and it is too good to wait until next week. Watch this and be sure to watch from 50 seconds - 1:10. Priceless



The funniest thing is that if you go to its Youtube page, they have disabled the comments section. I can only imagine why.

Something Different

Many of you may not listen to music that the kids are calling "rap." However, a rap "artist" called Lil' Wayne has come out with a new album in which he is trying something different, for better or for worse. He is mixing his usual raps using autotune and puts them over rock music. The results are interesting. I kind of like this, its not the greatest thing ever, but he may be onto something.

Funny jokes never die

Some jokes will always be funny, and once such joke is "that's what she said." (another one would be jokes about EdGrimley's mom). Here is a compilation of The Office and all the "that's what she said jokes."



True Story: I was teaching one day and the students were working on a quiz and one kid just wasn't working. I went up to him and said "Kerry, get to work, you can do this." He then said "It's not hard, its just long." Another student almost immediately said "that's what she said." I could barely hold in my laughter.

Is it racist?

Those of you who watch Tosh.0 know that he has a segment called "Is it racist" where he plays a clip and we decide if it is racist or not. Here I am going to introduce my own version of "Is it racist" but with words, not pictures.

I was clicking around the Internet on a boring Sunday morning and ended up reading this story about the future of the NBA. Most notably it focused on this off season and where James, Bosh, and Wade would end up. Take a look at this entry:

"For an NBA fan, there's nothing better than putting together imaginary scenarios involving your favorite superstars. Barbershops across the country should be turning over a quarter of their profits to the NBA for the time their patrons spend arguing about trade situations that, of course, will never happen."

I'm just picturing the average white reader imaging that the Ice Cube movie Barbershop is stereotypical of all barbershops across the country. I go to get my hair did all the time and have never engaged in a conversation with anyone about the NBA. Maybe about the weather or my plans for the remainder of the day, but thats about it.

Sometimes reality is funnier

If you have seen 30 Rock on NBC Thursday nights, you are familiar with Tracy Morgan's character, Tracy Jordan. One of the ongoing jokes on the show is the various horrible movies Tracy Jordan makes on the side of his main gig as the star of TGS. Here is a brief list of some of those movies:

• Who Dat Ninja?
• Black Caveman
• Black Cop/ White Cop
  
• Honkey Grandma Be Trippin
• President Homeboy
• Fat Bitch (She's off the lease)
• Samurai, I Amurai
• Death Bank
• A Blaffair to Remember
• Cruise Boat- I'm getting to old for this ship
• Rapping Grandma

Now comes this new, REAL, movie from Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan, I stress that this movie is REAL:


Horrible, horrible, horrible. I think it would have been better if they just really made his fake Black Cop/ White Cop movie. In fact I think my first choice would have been Honkey Grandma Be Trippin.

That's offensive

For those of you who do not regularly watch Colbert Nation, you missed a funny segment about how some people are offended by the smallest things. Canada has a magazine that was called "Beaver" but because some were offended by that name they decided to change it: (right after the waterboarding piece)

Tip/Wag - Waterboarding & Canada's History

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

The funny thing is that Stephen Colbert wants people to make the term "Canada's history" as offensive as possible.

If you haven't already gone to Urban Dictionary to see it, check it out here. It's pretty hilarious and offensive. Number 3 is my favorite.

Also, Daily Show had a piece about the congressman with the name of Dick Sweat. Those jokes write themselves.

He's Back............

So it's been a while since I have blogged (33 days to be exact). It's not that I couldn't find a reason to be angry at the world. I lost the fire. With the semi-retirement of rival EdGrimley, there was nothing left in it for me. Then last week out of the blue, EdGrimley dusted off his keyboard and joined the game again. It's on................

So last Wednesday I had an all-day meeting at Central Office for the District. There were about 20 of us in this room for some kind of "professional development." It starts at 8:30 and then around 10:00 they give us a 10 minute break. I go walk around and stretch my legs and come back. When we are starting back up this lady comes waddling in with a large bag of popcorn (I have no idea where she found a popcorn vendor in an office building). She then proceeds to sit down and start stuffing her face with the popcorn. Not just eating the popcorn but grabbing handfuls of it and stuffing her face with it. (It's 10 am, not that that is ever appropriate) So I'm sitting here trying not to laugh at this situation and my coworker lady sitting next to me asks whats so funny and I say "Nothing, it just feels like a Saturday Night Live Skit in here." She then looks and sees what I was laughing about and looks at me and says "don't be a snob." What? So not stuffing your face with popcorn in a business meeting at 10 am is being a snob? Sorry.

It reminded me of the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode "Mac and Dennis Breakup." (video not available, damn Hulu changing there 5 episodes only rule) Mac tries to help Frank clean up his lifestyle by not cutting his nails with a knife, not using garbage to stop his bleeding, and not eating cat food. Frank thinks not eating cat food is just putting on airs.


More to come soon, he's back

Thank You

Every so often something amazing happens in today's culture, where all you can do is look up at god and say "thank you." The NBA provided this experience this week.

I am sure by now we have all read this story about Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton pulled guns on each other in the locker room over a gambling bet. This is a beautiful story. Multiple NBA players have a weapon in the locker room, they are arguing over gambling, and the league knew about Arenas having a gun (they were officially looking into it). Now Arenas is also saying that it was "bad judgement."

They NBA has marketing that has their tag line as "Where Amazing Happens." I think they need to add a screen: "Where players pull guns on each other..........."


But wait, there is another amazing story in the NBA. The NBA lets their highly educated fans vote for who will play in the all-star game. Let's take a quick look and see who has enough votes to start in the game if it started tomorrow. Wait, what's that Tracy McGrady and Allen Iverson. Okay, I've heard of them, they're good right? Oh wait, its 2010 and Allen Iverson was cut by the Grizzlies and comes off the bench for Philly. Tracy McGrady was asked not to come back to the Rockets, they would rather pay him to not play than have him play. Awesome voting fans.