Jury Duty

Seeing that all my rival bloggers are blogging about Jury Duty I thought I would enter into the realm.

I was getting my car looked at last Monday when I was off and they had a TV on in the waiting room. Since I am full employed (no offense Snow.Man) I rarely see daytime TV. Wow does it suck. They had a TV program on called Jury Duty. It was just like all those other shotty daytime court room dramas; 2 plaintiffs arguing over something stupid, a loud mouth judge, and stupid verdicts. This show has a catch thought. First check out there website and then I'll wait for you to stop laughing...... That's right they have celebrities as the Jury, washed up celebrities. No one cares what you think, why would I want you to help settle who should pay the $40 to get my oil change. I'm not too sure some of these people are even celebrities. Nowadays I think they could put anyone on TV and just say, "Oh this is John Smith from that 80s hit show, don't you remember him?"

Terrible TV.

Hardly had a chance

Update: Rudy Guiliani dropped out of the race now as well on the GOP side. Insert numerous funny jokes here: __________________________________________________________

We hardly knew they...

John Edwards officially dropped out of the running for President today. It's always sad when someone stops running, now we can't ever say he "lost" the election. he just quite before it was finished. I'll leave this to more of my politically minded bloggers, but I wonder if this tips more of those extra votes towards Clinton or Obama?



Also, here's a hilarious article from The Onion, the headline says it all.

Dead Horse

I know it sounds like I'm beating a dead horse but, Mother Nature is still toying with us. It was 45 degrees in Milwaukee yesterday. Then at about 5 PM it started having 30 MPH winds and by 9 o'clock it was 2 degrees, with a -15 wind chill. What gives? Woke up today and all my doors were frozen shut once again, took 10 minutes to start my car, and we didn't even cancel school. It is currently minus 4 with a wind chill of -35. I wouldn't have mu child wait in that for the bus just to be educated by someone like me. By noon its suppossed to be 9 degrees again, and tomorrow it is 25 degrees. What is this 24 hour freezing all about? I;m done with Mother Nature.

Fun With Commercials

These commercials reminded of the good old days of Snow.man trying to talk on the phone to girls.

Charities, who needs them?

As you all know I have had Charitable Donations on my On Notice List for awhile now. The reason I question them is because of me receiving constant mail about donating money to schools I have attended throughout the years. I have also questioned throughout the years how much money that you give to charities actually go to the cause and how much goes to paying for their pamplets and their "volunteers." However, I do not think charities are useless and should not be supported. Jay Bilas of ESPN thinks otherwise.

I was watching Sports Center this morning while sobering up and they were having a piece on today's NCAA basketball games. They were talking about USC's O.J. Mayo (is that a real name?) and how he is not going to be suspended for taking free tickets to the Lakers-Nuggets games from Carmelo Anthony. O.J. Mayo was however made to donate the $480 to a charity. Then it came to Jay Bilas' turn to give his two cents. What he said was "O.J. Mayo shouldn't be forced to give this money to a charity, he should give the money to the Lakers, they are the ones who lost the money on the comped tickets." What? Why does Jay Bilas hate charity and want O.J. Mayo to give his money to the Lakers, who I am pretty sure are not missing that $480. (I think Kobe Bryant makes that amount 2 seconds into the game.

I think it is a perfectly fine punishment to make someone give money to charity, but maybe Carmelo Anthony, he's the one making millions in the NBA. It's probably not the worst idea for athletes and celebrities to give more money to charity, it could give them all a better image. In fact if the NBA forced its players to give money to charity, it may no longer be dead to me.

Anniversary..

Two years ago my wife left me for "something better," and left me because of "fundamental flaws." In honor of that I present a music video that summarizes our breakup. Enjoy.

Fuuny stuff....

I find people making other people incredibly awkward and angry hilarious. My wife didn't find it funny when I showed up at Thanksgiving drunk, naked, with a plastic knife in my mouth. She just didn't understand the brilliance of my comedy.

glumbert - Will Ferrell has a Power Lunch

Bowling For Laughter

It has been widely debated for years, which is the funnier bowling movie, Big Lebowski or Kingpin. I think this debate even started the second Gulf War.

I personally think Big Lebowski is funnier from start to finish, and is actually trying to make a point. Whereas the final bowling scene in Kingpin with Bill Murray is funnier than the bowling scenes in Big Lebowski. It is up to you in the Blog-o-Sphere to decide.

Tastless protesting

I was ready the inter-webs today and noticed a story that really makes you hate people, especially people who think they are standing for a cause. I read this article on MSNBC and felt disgusted.

The whole death of Heath Ledger is tragic. Period. Anyone dying that young is tragic, regardless of how he/she dies, or if they are famous or not.

The fact that a Baptist Church is going to protest his funeral is disgusting. They say his character in Brokeback Mountain calls God a liar and said its Okay to be gay. In all actuality those lines are never said in the movie. Both of the characters are married with children, they are jsut also in love with each other. Plus he is playing a character in a movie, Heath Ledge did not stand up and say God hates gay people. Even if he did, he died tragically, respect him and his loved ones. If these people actually go there and protest this I hope there are snipers around. Makes me sick.

Even more Dead to Me

I may need to start another category that is even worse than "Dead to Me" soon. Mother Nature is still dumping on the state of Wisconsin. After record highs in snow fall for December, and record lows for temperature in early January, we are still getting it. Here's a list of what it has done this week.

• Cost the Packer's a good chance of winning
• Gave us 8-10 inches of snow of Monday (were expecting 4)
• Wind chills of -20 all day Wednesday
• Got another 1-2 inches last night
• Broke my shovel when I was digging "a hole" last night
• Took my car 15 minutes to start this morning

Today going to school I drove past a church that usually puts up witty banter about God, like "we are prayer-conditioned." (I'll wait a minute while you stop laughing. This morning they had "only 55 days of winter left." F*#K you! Winter is only 91 days long, we aren't even half way done with it. A lot can happen in 55 days. I could get married 4-5 times, or we could get another 3 feet of snow and have 20 days of below zero temperatures.

Mother Nature: Still Dead to Me.

Zzzzzzzz

I got home today and since Seinfeld wasn't on I decided to turn on Headline News and see what was happening in the news. I might even get a spoiler of what Muntaba would be blogging about next. The story was about politicians sleeping at "important events" and being caught on camera. I guarantee you would be hard pressed to find anyone who has not fallen asleep at work or during that "important meeting." It is bad that it was caught on camera, but everyone does it. I've driven past cops sitting in their cars asleep, I don't see anyone up in arms about that. It's not like these politicians lied to congress or lied about weapons of mass destruction. Oh wait....

Here are a few of the videos because they are funny.

Quick quote...

I'm just sitting here getting some work accomplished and watching the always hilarious Seinfeld. The episode is "The Pilot" and is the episode where they start shooting the Pilot of the show they are writing. The sub plot is the where George is going to a therapist and is worried about the show becoming successfully. (Great cameo of Jeremy Piven as George on the show they are writing.)

Money quote:

George: "God would never let me be happy. He would kill me first."
Therapist: "I thought you didn't believe in God?"
George: "I do for the bad things."

Happy work day people

Since I work for the government I have today off in recognition of Martin Luther King. All those out in the blog-o-sphere that have to work enjoy this little video.


http://view.break.com/433228 - Watch more free videos

Let's get to work people!

Since this little writer's strike is almost entering it's 3rd month, I was going to take a moment and reflect on all of this. Reports estimate that the strike has cost Hollywood about $1.4 billion, and rising. Is this all really necessary? All the writer's really want is to make a few more pennies on the dollar, literally. Their main bargaining point is that they would like to make 4 cents per DVD sold, instead of the 2 cents they get now. All this is over 2 cents? WTF? If they had given this to them right away and no strike ever happened, they would not have lost that $1.4 billion and it would take over 10 years to lose that much over the new raise to 4 cents.

In honor of the strike and these money hungry a#@-holes I have featured two videos. One is from the always funny Colbert Report, the other is from the always profane Wu Tang Clan. Enjoy.

Updates

I figured today was a good day to update my dead to me and on notice lists:

Ted Thompson: Moved from dead to on notice because he turned out a good season for the Packers. He still needs to learn how to draft players and sign free agents.

Mother Nature: Moved from on notice to dead to me because it is supposed to be ass to the metal cold this weekend. We're talking 4 degree at high, -20 to -30 wind chills.

Cement Bags: Moved off my on notice list because I have been making "shoes" out of this and it has been helping me "clean up by problems."

Haters: Moved to my on notice list because I am tired of all them haters out there.

Hooked on phonics

Since I recently finished Hooked on Phonics I have been trying to read more. I got a book for the holidays called "The Pillars of the Earth." Without realizing it I believe this is actually a biography of EdGrimley. It is set in mideviel times so maybe it is a past life of his, but take a look at these two excepts:

"Torturing a man without killing him was like stripping a girl naked without raping her. The more he thought about that, the more he felt the need of a woman."

"He had been inflamed by Aliena and now he wanted to slake his lust with this one. She would be lively, he felt sure: she would wriggle and scratch. All the better."


Book is pretty cool though. It's all about knights, kings, snd stuff. However it is 1000 pages, I may finish by 2012.

Pills are good...

I think I finally figured out what those pills were that my wife would always take. For years I thought they were birth control pills, and 3 kids later they obviously weren't. I now believe they were mirapex pills. I was watching TV a while ago and saw a commercial for mirapex, a pill you can take if you have restless leg syndrome.

Restless leg syndrome is when your leg moves and kicked a lot while you sleep (I can finally explain her black eye). These pills basically paralyze your legs while you sleep. All well and good. Then at the end of the commercial they listed the side effects of the drug. All the usuals were and then they mentioned; "some women experience increased sexual and gambling urges." WHAT?

First: increased sexual urges. Again this explains my ex-wife's "hobbies" with the pool boy and the gardener. But how does a drug that paralyzes your leg while you sleep increase your sexual urges? Oh wait, now I get it.

Second: increased gambling urges. Again explains where my ex-wife spent all our savings and continues to spend my child support. How does any drug increase your desire to go down to a casino and gamble? Makes literally no sense.

Well, I'm off to the pharmacy.






sorry about the quality, all I could find

Stop what you're doing....

Everyone stop what you are doing....American Idol premieres tonight. We have 2 hours of it tonight and 2 more hours of it tomorrow. No one bother contacting me during this time, I have to take every fiber of my being and give full attention to every mind-blowing moment of the show.

Those of you that need something more; apparently Britney Spears wrote a suicide note before her little stand off with the police last week. Best part of the article was the line, "'The letter was very sad,' says a friend." This reminds of this classic scene from Royal Tenenbaums:
Richie: I wrote a suicide note.
Chas: You did?
Richie: Yeah, right after I regained conciousness.
Chas: Well what does it say? Is it dark?
Richie: Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.
Chas: Can I read it?
Richie: No.
Chas: Well could you at least summarize it for us?

Not that suicide is funny...but Royal Tenenbaums gets very close to making it funny.

Thank you jeebus......

Somehow the dim-witted idiot ELi Manning pulled of an upset of epic proportions this evening. I received a message from avid reader Snow.man yesterday saying Eli would have to have the game of his life for the Giants to win, it turns out that he didn't have to. The Giants offense did not look good, they had like 10 yards in the fourth quarter. It was that Tony Romo needed to have a terrible game, and he did. I would like to think that is because of Jessica Simpson. I thought I would never say this but, thank you Jessica Simpson.

Sidenote: Since no woman could probably tolerate the company of Eli Manning for more than like 10 seconds, there is no hot chick out there we can hope distracts him this week. We will just have to rely on the fact that he sucks.

Good Political Advice

With everyone in the blog-o-sphere getting into this political debate nowadays, I thought I would post some videos that really get to the heart of the matter.

Sell Out

While watching some American Football today I saw a commercial to buy Family Guy "Blue Harvest" on DVD. This was the season premier episode this year, and was an hour long spoof of Star Wars, and not a good one. Now they are selling this episode for $12.99 or $25 for the special edition with a poster and some other crap. I remember that Family Guy did this before with "Stewie Griffin - The Untold Story." They sold this as the "Family Guy Movie," and then used this episode as the season finale two years ago. There are also Subway commercials featuring Peter Griffin in it, and the trailer for the movie Jumper shows the kid at home watching Family Guy.

This got me to thinking that Family Guy will sell out to anyone at any time. I went to Amazon and searched for Family Guy DVDs and got 386 results. That seems a bit much for a show that has barely 100 episodes. They have Season 4 Part 1, Season 4 Part 2, The Best of Peter, The Best of Stewie, etc. I know you make shows for money, but selling out this extreme is a bit much.

Contemporize Man

Went out with some coworkers to watch the Packers' game yesterday. We went to this place I guess most people call "a sports bar." I usually don't go out to crazy sports bars to watch games because they are so crowded and you can't really hear the game at all. This was actually fun to be in a large group and enjoy watching the Packers slaughter the Seahawks.

What was interesting, and what got me angry was the number of people wearing Packers' jerseys. There were probably 75% wearing actual jerseys and I was yelled out for not wearing one. It's not like I am going to forget what team I am supposed to be rooting for and then have to look at my shirt to remember what team I should root for.

The really sad part of the thing was the what jerseys people were wearing. About 50% of the people were wearing Favre jerseys. That's too easy, why not wearing someone else's jersey so you don't look like every other idiot sheep in the group. I was also surprised (angered) by the number of people wearing old jerseys of players who do not play any more. I saw someone wearing a Dorsey Levens jersey (he had 3 good seasons, 10 years ago), a Mark Chmura jersey (pedophile), and a Freeeman (also 3 good seasons 10 years ago). If you are a real fan how about you take some of that money you put into marriage counseling and go out and buy a new jersey.

Sidenote: I also saw someone wearing a Tom Brady jersey. Way to go buddy and take a huge risk and be a fan of the best team out there. Congrats.

Oh My god! We're all gonna die!!

I was driving home tonight around 6 PM and you would think the world was coming to an end. It was snowing out; but it wasn't a blizzard and it was 34 degrees, so it was all melting as soon as it landed. Despite all this people were all driving as if it were a blizzard or there was acid falling from the sky. People were going about 15 mph and were swerving between lanes. It took me 45 minutes to drive home and I didn't even stop to pick up any "friends." (It usually takes me 15-20).

People, if we don't know how to handle ourselves behind the wheel, don't get behind the wheel. Stay at home and weep over how miserable your lives have become, because they are.

The sad thing is the slowest cars on the road where those stupid SUVS. Why do we buy these vehicles that are made for bad weather and tricky terrains, if we do not know how to drive them. You might as well be driving a bicycle in the snow.

Anyone wanna go see Saw IV?

Here's an interesting story that correlates watching violent movies to actually REDUCING crime rates? This may just be a case of you can find numbers to prove anything you want, but it may also be a sign that I should go see more violent movies instead of "prawling" the streets every Friday night.

I find it interesting that this gentleman found that crime rates lowered on the weekends when a new violent movie came out. I have a feeling these are not correlated at all, yet makes an interesting case. I blame my "hobbies" on playing Grand Theft Auto for 8 hours a day in college, but it may because I didn't see enough violent movies.

Remake

I was sitting and while plotting and scheming I decided to turn on the old TV and see if anything was on. Due to the writer's strike the networks have pulled out all the stops in terms of game shows and reality shows. Deal or No Deal is on almost every night, and is the worst game show imagineable. There was one interesting program on tonight however, the new American Gladiators. I am glad to say it is pretty much the same as the old one, with a few differences to make it more "prime time" viewing.

It used to be on Saturday mornings and I remember always watching while growing up, we even had the American Gladiators NES video game. This new version has all the same competitions, still has the Eliminator, and still has crazy nicknames for the gladiators. One thing that has changed for the worse is that Hulk Hogan is the host and he talks like he is a wrestler in the 80s, oh wait he was. The other thing is that they talk all the time to drag out the show. Before and after each event they talk to the contestants about how they feel and how they are going to win. Face it, all this show is normal people going head to head with underpaid man-giants so hopped up on roid-rage that there life span is about 3 more years. We don't care what these people have to say, just hop them up with steroids and throw them in a cage with each other.

In a related note I heard Barry Bonds is going to tryout as a Gladiator for next season if he doesn't return to Baseball.

Also, one of the gladiators, Wolf, looks a lot like Ben Stiller on Dodgeball.

It's all in a name.....

I was sitting around last evening have a few cold ones at a tavern and was watching ESPN. I noticed that the names for all these college bowl games championship games for various sports are getting ridiculous.

The PBA is having their championship event tonight, and it is called The Constructionjobs.com Chanpionship. (Never heard of such a site) Do a lot of bowlers have construction jobs? I don't see many construction workers sitting around tonight to watch bowling.

Here is a quick list of some of the ridiculous Bowl Games

• BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
• ROADY'S HUMANITARIAN (due proceeds go to Africa?)
• GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL (Isn't this from Meet The Parents?)
• INTERNATIONAL BOWL (Both teams in it were from the U.S.)
• SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA BOWL (Is this a tongue twister?)

Why can't we just have normal bowl and championship geams? Must everything be sold out to everything in corporate America? How about the "This is Why the Terrorists Hate Us" Bowl, that has a nice ring to it.

Planet of the Apes

Ran across an interesting article about primates and how they "pay" for sex. Now I know where my ex-wife got the idea that I had to run errands and groom her before we could engage in relations. I wonder if she made all her other "gentlemen callers" do the same thing? The article also mentions the supply and demand of females, and how far a primate will go depends on the number of females in the area. That explains the one time EdGrimley was seen clipping that girl's toenails, she was the only female in the bar. This would also make a for a fascinating economics class in college, "The Supply and Demand of Coitus."

You've been warned.

There has been much discussion for years now about the dangers of bears in todays society. I have warned us all in the past. Recently EdGrimley has debated what is more dangerous tigers, or bears. Obviously bears.


Finally someone has made a public service announcement to warn us of how bears can attack when we are doing everyday activities like fixing a computer, or even making coffee.

Trilogies Revisted

I've been doing some movie watching lately and have recently watched Bourne Ultimatum and SPider Man 3 and have decided to relook at my old blog about trilogies.

The 5 Best Trilogies, all 3 movies being great:

• Star Wars (4-6)
• Bourne Identity
• Austin Powers
• Indiana Jones
• Lord of the Rings
• Honorable Mention: Pirates of the Caribean

Top 5 2/3 Trilogies, movies 1-2 are great, 3 sucked:

• Matrix
• X-Men
• Spider-Man
• Godfather
• Back to the Future
• Honorable Mention: Scream and Jurassic Park

Looking over the original list of trilogies one notices that there are few trilogies that all 3 movies are good, the majority of them have only 2 good movies, many only have the first movie being any good. It's sad that Hollywood keeps beating these franchises into the ground. What's wrong to only making 2 movies in a series, why must one make a third? Here's hoping Transformers 2 and 3 don't suck.

Whore....

This makes my ex-wife look like mother Theresa. I love how the article says she "kissed" 3 guys, and only took one back. I'm sure she went to the bathroom for 25 minutes to something else (besides her usual coke.)

Resolutions

Now that I have sobered up enough to stop shaking I figured it was time to go over my New Year's Resolutions. Now what does someone as perfect as I resolve to do in 2008?

• Get back with my ex-wife (this is the year, I know it)
• Destroy edGrimley
• Destroy Snow.Man
• Be less angry (this will be the hardest)
• Do whatever it takes to get Ned Yost fired
• Kill the bear who killed my father
  

Other than that there is no real way I can perfect what I already have going on.